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World travels off the back of the wildest in events, festivals, parties and bars, & the people and stories that come from them

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Saw you coming from a mile away

There are all kinds of weird and wonderful customers to the service industry. While the majority of them are mostly affable or manageable or are party to providing a positive experience, there are certainly some specific categories of customer that the public encompasses, easily recognized by a seasoned pro.

If you think you’re getting away with it, you’re really not – we can see you coming from a mile away.

Here are a few categories where some fit in:

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Posted on Tuesday, October 15th 2013

The special ones

You work with some special people in the service industry.  Surely, they should at least be equal to your most ‘special’ customers because some of the time, your colleagues are customers.  ..Somewhere.  - And we all know what ‘customers’ get up to….

There’s the crazy, the retarded, the genius, the mad, people with superb skills and knowledge, and someone who cant even understand you - on both sides of the bar.  

Ive met all kinds of people in my years of work,

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Posted on Wednesday, October 9th 2013

Wanking in public

I worked for an event company in the UK that was riding a wave of marked success.  Well and truly at the top of its game, working for this group of blokes, and having a senior position on their team, was nothing short of pure organisational pleasure and camaraderie.  With an inimitable work ethic amongst us all, and a collective group of bartending and service skill that warranted new superlatives, it was certainly a privilege to work alongside these gents. 

Surely, our services were widely needed, and it was one particular London Fashion Week when a group of us was sought out, subcontracted by another event group to do a party.

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Posted on Tuesday, September 24th 2013

The new definition of class

I don’t know if I’ve become confused or out of touch, but it seems to me that the idea of ‘class’ is something that has all but diluted to nothingness.  

Im not talking about the idea of ‘class’ itself being ‘diluted to nothingness’, no.  The idea of ‘class’ qualifying a social group or collection or category of people with common traits is, in fact, probably broadening with the lowering of people’s classes…  And down we go…

 

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Posted on Tuesday, September 24th 2013

'some kind of ghost employee'

I once worked in a café-cum-bar, right in the middle of my home town’s main mall.  It was outdoor, open 24/7 (mainly due to the fact that its open nature meant it couldn’t actually be secured closed), and heavily frequented, owing to the fact that every single person walking from one end of this shopping strip to the other, would see it. 

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Posted on Saturday, August 31st 2013

You’re not the first wasted person I’ve seen. 

If you think you’re going to impress me just because you’re drunk, you’re gonna have to do something pretty fukn crazy.  I’ve seen the ‘snort the salt, shot the tequila, squeeze the lemon in the eye, dozens of times.  It’s definitely funny – some take it better than others - not original though.

I had this guy dancing on the bartop once.  Yes, a guy.  Usually, id stop people doing something so stupid, but this guy deserved to make it up.  Because I knew he was going to fall.  I even pretended to lunge for him to break his fall, but threw my arms out of the way at the last minute to leave him splatting onto the floor into a pool of barfilth.

Then I picked him up by his shirt and shoved him around the corner and out of the bar.  Probably back onto the dancefloor.  The same dancefloor where earlier id noticed a girl pissing out of her skirt.  That’s right: pissing out of her skirt.  Just subtly bracing herself against a high table, legs slightly splayed, casually emptying her bladder.

What would you do?

The fact that you’re even capable of stringing a sentence together, probably puts you behind in the race to be the most wasted person I’ve encountered.  Chew half your face off, that might have a bit more of an effect, if only momentarily.

I’ve watched people struggle to order for way too many minutes to even be let to stand in front of a bar.  A busy bar.  Churning, gurning, face-eating, fumbling for words, ideas, friends, head whipping around, I don’t even know if he’s got money and I’m yelling at him, screaming: Dude!HurryhurryhurryhurryHURRY!! and he just panics and throws money at me.  Drug dealers should be able to handle their shit.

Later on, he would be found sitting by the entrance to the smoking area, on cold bitumen, legs veed, covered in his own piss, a glorious stain darkening an arctic shaped patch on his cargoes.

Still, some people go out every weekend – most weekends – and drink in such excesses as to make the occurrence of such outlandish behaviour something of a likelihood.  Pissing on floors, in cups, dancing on bars, shitting in urinals, spewing all over your nice dress, and spitting and spitting and spitting away the remnants of your vomit, in full view of anyone who cared to look towards the smell.

Alcohol really does make you lose your inhibitions…

Posted on Saturday, August 31st 2013

Golden rules on how not to run a cocktail bar

Bars aren’t always about fun and good times, especially for their owners.  Of all the formats that an owner could potentially invest their money in, a cocktail bar – where usually more complicated, lower volume drinks are served, containing premium, more expensive, often fresher, highly perishable ingredients – may well be a bar you’d open for love rather than money.

 

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Posted on Monday, August 19th 2013

Pride and prejudice

I once worked in a bar whose most regular and common guests were barristers, judges and the like, owing to its close proximity to the city’s courts and houses of law.  Ordinarily – perhaps naively – you would perhaps assume that these kinds of people would be slightly less bigoted than say, your average Australian (quite bigoted).  How wrong could I be. 

 

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Posted on Wednesday, July 17th 2013