You’re not the first wasted person I’ve seen.
If you think you’re going to impress me just because you’re drunk, you’re gonna have to do something pretty fukn crazy. I’ve seen the ‘snort the salt, shot the tequila, squeeze the lemon in the eye, dozens of times. It’s definitely funny – some take it better than others - not original though.
I had this guy dancing on the bartop once. Yes, a guy. Usually, id stop people doing something so stupid, but this guy deserved to make it up. Because I knew he was going to fall. I even pretended to lunge for him to break his fall, but threw my arms out of the way at the last minute to leave him splatting onto the floor into a pool of barfilth.
Then I picked him up by his shirt and shoved him around the corner and out of the bar. Probably back onto the dancefloor. The same dancefloor where earlier id noticed a girl pissing out of her skirt. That’s right: pissing out of her skirt. Just subtly bracing herself against a high table, legs slightly splayed, casually emptying her bladder.
What would you do?
The fact that you’re even capable of stringing a sentence together, probably puts you behind in the race to be the most wasted person I’ve encountered. Chew half your face off, that might have a bit more of an effect, if only momentarily.
I’ve watched people struggle to order for way too many minutes to even be let to stand in front of a bar. A busy bar. Churning, gurning, face-eating, fumbling for words, ideas, friends, head whipping around, I don’t even know if he’s got money and I’m yelling at him, screaming: Dude!HurryhurryhurryhurryHURRY!! and he just panics and throws money at me. Drug dealers should be able to handle their shit.
Later on, he would be found sitting by the entrance to the smoking area, on cold bitumen, legs veed, covered in his own piss, a glorious stain darkening an arctic shaped patch on his cargoes.
Still, some people go out every weekend – most weekends – and drink in such excesses as to make the occurrence of such outlandish behaviour something of a likelihood. Pissing on floors, in cups, dancing on bars, shitting in urinals, spewing all over your nice dress, and spitting and spitting and spitting away the remnants of your vomit, in full view of anyone who cared to look towards the smell.
Alcohol really does make you lose your inhibitions…
Posted on Saturday, August 31st 2013